PEOPLE *

My intention, when I first started this mess, was to not write about reality stars. Mostly because they are not living in reality and we'll forget about them the second they aren't on TV (Jake& Vienna). BUT...these rags make it almost impossible for me to not comment on my hatred of them. Take, for example, this weeks People Magazine. Nothing but reality stars. Are our precious Hollywood elite not doing anything newsworthy? Or, have they just become better at hiding from us?
Fuckers.
I'm not really inspired, so let’s see what trouble we can get into today...

PEOPLE, Ali? Oh no you di'int! See, I say di'int, because this is the way Ali would say it. It took me all season long, and I couldn't pin point it until the last episode, but this is why I fucking hate her. She does not pronounce her T's. She told us how "imporan" this decision was to her. How "cerain" she needed to be about the one she would pick. I know I tell a lot of people to "shu-up" on my blog, but I am going to say it again. Ali, shu-up!

WHOA! Now wait a cotton picking minute! Turn to page 14! I thought Kelly Preston lost the baby? She is clearly preggers in this picture and if she did lose the baby, this rag should NOT have printed a picture from before her miscarriage.  What is going on here?  Enquiring minds want to know.  If the rumors are true, bad form, People Magazine, bad form.

Oh look, its Jennifer Anitson looking painfully single. My G*d woman, hire a man for chr*st sake! You have the dough.

Think Justin cheats on Jessica? I do.

Tom, Cameron...no matter how hard you try and sell us on that shit movie, I'm not going to see it. Wanna know why...I hate you, Tom Cruise. You and your platform shoes that you have to wear in order to be as tall as your leading ladies. Nerd.

More baby news! Yeah! Christina Applegate! Yeah! I love you Christina...she is 38 and having her first baby. AND...she beat breast cancer! You better never say anything bad about her, People Magazine, or else I will kick your ass!

"Inside Lindsay's life in jail". Do you want to know why I'm not holding out much hope for her? No one gives a shit. Where is the outcry for justice, like when they tried to smuggle Paris out after a day or two? This story made it onto page 22?  Whooptyfrickindoo. I have been waiting for the cover of People to smear her all over it, to no avail. Carrie's wedding won that cover last week. This week, a nobody named Ali Somethingpolishoranother won out. I have been waiting to vomit my scathing parental pearls of wisdom to Dina and Mike, but they are depriving me. It's not fair. I'm kind of pissed about it. Now I am forced to comment on the fact that they put her into a "real" rehab. BFD.

Holy Mary Mother of G*d! Lourdes has a clothing line...

...wait for it...

...that looks EXACTLY like what her mom was wearing 25 fucking years ago! (yes, I'm yelling) AND...she says that all Lourdes’ ideas are her own...AND..."she just goes for it and tries different things". What the fuck are talking about Madonna? How is your daughter any different than our daughters? My daughter’s favorite thing to do is to go into my closet and ask me what she can have when I'm done with it, except I don't have a bazillion dollars to mass "re"-produce my shit for her. I'm not a pop icon so she could pass my crap off as her own "style", but your daughter, Madonna, can not! Yes, Maddona, she is a very cute girl. But she is 14 and we don't trust you since you've had all of your plastic surgery done, so don’t try to pull a fast one on us. We’re onto you. This is YOUR attempt to be relevant again. Just like we did to Cher, we are going to fire you if you don't stop it. Grow old gracefully like the rest of us are trying to do.

Zac Efron in a strip club. No shit. 

I haven't had the heart to invest in Us Weekly or Star yet...check back...I'm just pissed about the People this week. I'll be over it in a day or two...