(Sigh) Oh PEOPLE magazine...how do I love thee...let me count the ways. I'm so sorry that we've been fighting lately, and I'm happy to be back together. Please don't ever put The Duggar's and their 19 children on the cover again...especially after producing a coupla mediocre issues and I won't have to cheat on you ever again. I promise. Look what you made me do while we were on our break! But oh how you've redeemed yourself to me. You put Sandra and her "fresh start" on the cover and tagged it with a story about Jesse and Kat. Thank you honey. I love it.
Oh, and PEOPLE, thanks for NOT putting Hilary Duff OR her horse teeth OR her new teeth OR the news of her horse-drawn-carriage style wedding on the cover...I noticed.
Oh, and PEOPLE, thanks for NOT putting Hilary Duff OR her horse teeth OR her new teeth OR the news of her horse-drawn-carriage style wedding on the cover...I noticed.
Let's talk for a minute about Jesse and Kat, shall we? I'm a little befuddled...I don't know what to think. She kind of irritates me, but I might like the two of them together. They both need to bathe and that's sexy...so lets see if the lack of personal hygiene makes for a strong foundation. Unfortunately, my woman's intuition is telling me that she is smart (in spite of the tats on her face) and is not going to get involved with him...remember Kat...he's kind of a train-wreck and needs lots of hugs.
Alec Baldwin...please honey...put down the cheeseburgers. There was a time where every woman in America wanted to jam her tongue into your mouth...but now...you'd have to buy us a coupla drinks first. It's not sexy.
"The Lohans Living in denial"...are you fucking kidding me? This is news? That is your tag line for this story? Dina says that her daughters condition is "blown out of proportion"? Someone fire up my invisible jet, please. I'm flying to West Hollywood, calling TMZ to meet me over there, and THEN beating the shit out of Dina Lohan! I'm serious. I wold have more respect for Matt Lauer if he did it, but he's a puss...someone please handle this situation...why is it that the only person asking "astute" questions was Lindsay's 16 year old sister, Ali. And why didn't someone tell her not to write "fuck you" on her finger nails and then hold those finger nails up to her mouth when the judge was talking. She has problems. Big ones. I see an exit ala Anna Nicole Smith style coming soon...
No, STAR magazine...Angie is not "bored with Brad!" She is not "so over him!" He is "fun in bed!" and, she does not "call him stupid behind his back!" Shut up, STAR...you're a liar! They have six frickin' kids. I only have three kids and want to punch my husband in the face sometimes but that doesn't mean I call him names behind his back. You spin your evil web of lies STAR...like...John & Jen are not getting back together. She doesn't feel "bonded" to him when she wears the gold Rolex he gave her...its a fucking Rolex watch! Of course she wears it. She needs to know what time it is...its not an engagement ring for fuck sake!
Madonna turns 52...and what...starts hanging out with her 14 year old daughter? Who, by the way has way too much make-up on for a girl her age AND apparently raided her moms closet again to go out on the town...check out Lourdes' outfit...and Madonnas plastic surgery...
Staggering.
Who the hell is Snooki? What the hell is a Snooki? And why the hell is her fat little bump-it ass all over our beloved magazines. Whoever you are, Snooki, go fly a kite...I dislike you.
US WEEKLY put a coupla "teen moms" on the cover of this magazine. Slow news week, huh US? How pissed do you think they are that the news of Tiger and Elin's divorce broke the minute they were done printing this good-for-nothing piece of trash? Elin is "picking up the pieces"...I find this statement amusing. How exactly is she doing that? To pick up the piece of what he did to her, she is going to have to take a chunk out of that $75 million settlement and buy the biggest frickin' bull-dozer ever made! I can't wait til next week...they will be splattered all over the cover of every tabloid in America again. I can almost hear the proverbial SPLAT. Jesse has to be sighing a little relief right about now...huh?
Kourtney Kardashian is quoted saying "I'm such a bitch when I'm hungry. Like, stone-cold beeyatch." Uummm...Kourtney...I have a feeling that you might be a stone-cold beeyatch all the time, not just when hunger strikes. I'm trying to stay in love with you Kardashian girls but if you don't stop saying things like this, I'm going to unleash on you. I'm also trying to stay away from you and your sisters...mostly because I'm afraid of Khloe (and that's a lot for a southside girl to admit), but because I love you so much...all of you! I do, however, have some choice words for you three about the two little up-and-comers and I don't care if Khloe gets on her jet and comes to Chicago and kicks my ass. Please look at the picture below...the one on the right...that's Kendall...she'll be 15 in Novenber...and the one on the left...that's Kylie...she just turned 13 two weeks ago. Holy shit. I mean H-O-L-Y S-H-I-T. I don't know whether to take back all the smack I've been talking about Lourdes or hold my breath and wait for these two to be introduced to her...ooooo...I'm getting excited just thinking about the hell that Lourdes, Kendall and Kylie are going to raise together! G*d, help us. Hold on to those rosaries, Madonna...you're going to need them sister.
In case you're wondering...
Kelly Preston is still pregnant.
Jessica Alba got out of a speeding ticket because she's pretty (no shit).
Doogie Howser is going to be a daddy...him and his man.
Love it! But Hillary Duff must have had her teeth redone because they don't look like horse teeth anymore. Actually she doesn't even look like herself anymore either. But her teeth do look a lot better. She must have gone to Kate Hudson's dentist. Remember how gnarly her teeth used to be?
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