EUPHORIA

Do you remember your first orgasm? 

I do, and that's what I felt like at the check-out line this week.  My toes were tingly, my head was spinning, my knees were shaking, my heart was pounding and I was short of breath.  I was euphoric.  Why, you ask?  Every single tabloid magazine had a genuine celebrity on the cover...every frickin' one!  I was so excited, I could have crapped enough nickels to pay for all 6 of them.  I stuck with my usual suspects, PEOPLE, US WEEKLY and STAR...but...but...the "others" had some pretty great stuff too.  Let's examine their covers for a second...Bliss.

Jen & John...I don't believe one second of this shit OK magazine.  They were photographed together because they are friends.  See...that's what happens when a mature woman breaks up with her infantile boyfriend...she is capable of having a friendship with him.  She was probably just consoling him because he needed to delete his Twitter account...

side note: no one cares about...
1.)  Any of the Teen Moms
2.)  Any of Kim Kardashian's ex-boyfriends, we only care about Kim
3.)  Any one that is still together from the Bachelor/Bachelorette unless they are actually getting married

There is no way, with heaven and hell working together to prevent it, that David Beckham doesn't cheat on Posh, IN TOUCH.  Seriously.  I just refuse to believe that it is with a "high-class call girl."  Why?  Because there is no such thing as a "high-class" call girl.  It's an oxymoron.  What makes her "high-class?"  Did she go to finishing school  and then found out that there isn't enough Prince Harry's to go around?  So she turned, out of dismay, to the streets?  I have 20 girlfriends, who are pretty righteous chicks, that would have a hard time saying NO to Mr. Beckham.  I have no doubt he is a cheater, but I don't believe this girl...

side note:  no one cares about...

1.)  Kourteney's douche-bag boyfriend, Scott, but we love her cute little baby

2.)  J-Lo on Idol.  Wtf?  (well maybe I kind of care about that)

3.)  Bristol Palin falls into the category of Teen Mom, therefore, I cannot care about her

"Shiloh Manipulated by her Mom?"  Really?  Uummm LIFE & STYLE, stupid-heads...of course she is.  Why?  Because she is fucking 4 years old!  It's not called manipulation, it's called parenting.  My nephew had some fancy red cowboy boots when he was 4.  He wore them everywhere and with everything.  Want to know why?  Because he was 4 and my sister didn't stifle his imagination or creativity.  I went over there one day and he had his camouflage pants tucked into them with a towel draped over his shoulders, pinned to his pajama top, jumping from one couch to the other...I looked at my sister and she just shrugged her shoulders..."whatever...he's 4."  Again...Angie and Brad have 6 kids.  If Shiloh want to dress like a boy to be more like her older brothers, than let her.  This child couldn't be any cuter.  Leave her alone or else I'm firing up the jet...and you know what that means...someone is getting a beating!

PEOPLE...I don't even know what to say.  Is it true?  G*d, I hope not.  Not because I am especially fond of Demi or Ashton, but because I'm almost tired of hearing about all the cheating.  Why can't they just keep it zipped?  Once everyone warmed up to the idea that he was in love with her in spite of her age, we relished in their relationship...celebrated it.  Their relationship was the dawn of the "cougar."  She empowered a whole world of women to say "fuck it...if my ex-husband can date a 22 year old, so can I."  I'll be sad if it's true, being is cougar will become pass'e.  I swear to G*d, I've always thought that if he was going to cheat, he was going to pull a Woody Allen and cheat with Rumer. 

Oh yeah...Jennifer Grey, what "comeback?"  Dancing with the Stars?  The 80's called...they wanna give you your nose back. 

Kelly Preston...we are rooting for you honey!  Cook us up a cute little Travolta baby...we can't wait...when is the shower?  Where are you registered...we want to send you a gift!

STAR magazine has confirmed that Ashton cheated on it's cover...where PEOPLE only accused him of it. One of my followers on Facebook, made a very good point...if you want us to believe you screwed Ashton on the couch in his living room...then describe the living room to us, Brittney Jones. Just because I hate her, we're going to call her Bridget Jones because she kept a diary of Ashton's texts...AND...AND...coming from him they sound like this...

"No can do"

"I'm w/ my daughter"
"I really can't talk anymore"
"I don't think I should be talking to any girl that's not my wife"

Shut up, STAR...he did not cheat on Demi! You're such a stupid liar! Here is what happened...Ashton was getting his ego stroked, not his cock. Do he and Demi need to sit down and rekindle the love flames? Probably. He didn't cheat on her...I know it. Besides...did you see Bridget Jones...she looks like an alien...her eyes are really far apart...he could never look her in both eyes...he would need to get his twin brother over (yes, he has one) to look into her left eye whilst her was looking into her right eye!

Bristol Palin did not have a "boob job." She was pregnant when this photo was taken and her breasts were filled with milk. Stupid-head.

"Glee's Dirty Little Secrets?" Even if the whole cast has them...we don't care because the show is so great that dirty little secrets will only make us love them even more. It would break our hearts if you reported that they were boring in real life. Stupid-head.

US WEEKLY, what is wrong with you?  Michael Douglas may be dying, Ashton may be cheating on Demi, Jen may be getting back with John, there are a million of Hollywood's elite knocked -up...and you want to make a story out of Kelly Osbourne's weight struggles?  Your editor should be fired.  You know what would have sold magazines this week US WEEKLY?  If you would have slathered the mug shots of everyone who's been arrested in the last week.  I should be running the show over there.  Do you have any idea what we want?  "1 year and still losing"...pfft...get back to us then, when she is done....and it's a slow news week.  Fuck. 

How dare you put a little blurb about Brad Womack wanting another stab at the Bachelorettes (literally) on the cover?  Fuck you Brad Womack, fuck you.  Fuck fucking you, you fucking fuck.  Get an agent who will put you on the next Celebrity Apprentice.  We don't want to see you making out with everyone again...you or your stupid abs!

Jessica Simpson needs her roots touched up.

Lindsay Lohan...I have no more words.  You are dead to me...you and Kate Gosselin.

All of these magazines are promoting a new show called The Sister Wives on TLC.  It's about a polygamist family, one husband and his 3 wives...who are sisters!  Again...I think I may have an orgasm...(in my most evil voice, I say to you) "I can't wait to get to know them..."  He already looks like he got his Hollywood make-over...time for the wives?  Or did they already get theirs too?  Hhmmm...