People * Star * Us Weekly

On the cover of this week’s PEOPLE magazine, we are blessed with yet another image of our American darling, Sandra Bullock. At this point, I still love her, but she is turning into that annoying boyfriend that tells you he loves you too much. I feel like telling her, "okay, we get it, you're great, and he sucks." She is not the first woman in our fair nation that picked a LiarCheater for a husband. There a lot of us out there and we survived without the comfy cushioning of all that money stashed under our mattresses. Here is my analogy: the details of their divorce are going to be as disappointing as when you are stuck in a traffic jam due to an accident ahead, then you finally make it up to the accident sight and there isn’t a dead body lying in the street because they’ve already cleaned up the mess. That’s us, staring at the bloody aftermath, wondering what happened and then 5 minutes later, not caring. She got a super cute baby out of the deal, let’s move on...


"Mel Gibson's split from Oksana Grigorieva (who?) gets ugly"...umm...not any uglier than Oksana herself. Really Mel? Were you still drinking when you made that decision? You bore me. Unless you are going to knock-up one of my friends, I'll continue to fan the pages until someone more interesting comes along.


Prince Harry...thank goodness for you, you little darling illegitimate child of THE Princess. We love you Harry, and all of your Major Hewitt-looking hotness. There would be nothing about your country that Americans would want to devour had it not been for you and your brother (who, by the way is not aging as gracefully as his baby brother), and for this...I salute you!


Kendra "Happy at Last" Wilkinson, shut up. Seriously, stop talking. We are all one bad decision away from the stripper pole at some point in our lives. The rest of us were all smart enough to make the right decision, you were not. Motherhood does not save people, it only screws up more people! It makes me angry that they chose you to be the poster child for "How to make a coke snorting slut look like the next Paula Dean". Hey Food Network...I'm not watching her cooking show, just so you know.


The cover of STAR alone makes me angry. I want to poke Jake in the eye with one of Vienna's fake boobs. I want to wipe that stupid grin from his face with Kate Gosselin's newly flattened forehead. The only thing good about this issue starts on page 56. Even if the pictures of these celebrities are photoshopped, I don't care. Nicole looks like she just shot a scene for the Scarface sequel, Kate has a wedgie, Travolta looks little like a creepy neighbor trying to give your kid some candy and the best...Lady Gaga has a huge pimple on her ass...precious. Thank you, Oh Star magazine, for making me feel good about the cellulite that hangs out just below my buttocks. It's comforting to know that Rihanna and I have something in common.


Jessica's Desperate New Diet? What diet? SEEfood? Give us a break, US WEEKLY. What did she do? Go from a size 0 to a 4? Yea, she's a fat-ass. Let’s get our pitchforks and our torches and go burn the Ogre. Speaking of food...Hey Posh Spice, yea you...eat a frickin' cheeseburger already. It's not cute when your calf muscles are bigger than your thighs. If you need moral support, bring Tori...she could use a meal herself. As a matter of fact, come over on Friday. I'll pour you a nice glass of wine; cook a big bowl of pasta, maybe a couple of chicken breasts or turkey burgers because I'm sure you don't eat red meat. You can tell me all about how your mommy fucked you up and you have low self esteem because of her. I'll tell you how pretty you are and you'll go home to your hot husbands feeling like a million of your own dollars.

LiLo.  Pfft.  That's all I'm saying this week because I am going to go off on her and her mother next week...maybe her good-for-nothin' father too.  I'm tingly just thinking about it.

Grab your magazine and meet me back here next week.  See you then...