People * Star * US Weekly

Okay, vacation is over and I am back to work.  I had a chance to read a couple of tabloids in my travels and there are really only a few things worth commenting on...

Carrie Underwood's wedding to Mike Fisher makes the cover of PEOPLE over the train wreck that is Lindsay Lohan.  Are you fricking kidding me?  There are times when I find myself rooting for her to get it together (like Drew Barrymore did), and then there are times when I want her to outshine Britney.  When Britney had her breakdown, those were some fun times.  She put on her engineer hat and drove the crap out of that crazy train.  Lindsay...no so much.  She is a drunk-bi-pill popper.  Her mother should be so proud.  I wonder if Dina knew what her daughter would turn into, if she would have still let her go to that first audition...probably.  I can only hope that she WILL outshine Paris when it comes to carting her ass off to the clinker.

Speaking of ParisHiltonTypeThingy's...

Carrie Underwood's wedding...what a snooze fest.  "Carrie's Dream Wedding", hasn't she had enough of her dreams come true?  Winning American Idol was a dream, I'm sure her hot ass hockey husband is a dream and now her wedding was a dream too?  Wake me up when this dream is over.  If you look on page pg. 72, you'll see why I'm mad at her...(go ahead, I'll wait)...

She put her dog in a fucking pink tux.  Carrie, I'm not mad at you and I like your music...but if you do one more ParisHiltonTypeThingy, we are going to fist fight.

Please don't ever let me hear one more thing about Jake OR Vienna...I'm serious.  I won't even waste the time to sharpen my tongue on these two.  The only way they are going to redeem themselves in my eyes is if their "home movies" hit the internet...winkwink...If you know what I mean.

Here is a newsworthy story...Brad Pitt shaved his funky little beard.  Probably because I just saw a picture of Rob Lowe trying to copy his swagger.  When you are Brad Pitt and Rob Lowe tries to be you...it's time to change it up.  Come on Rob...you are so 1986...if you want to stay relevant...marry Jennifer Aniston...that would definitely get our attention.

Jessica Simpson turns 30...in Italy...with her new boyfriend.  Page 14, please...
She dresses like she is 60, for this I am angry with her and will take it up with her privately...if we ever meet.  I would, however, like to draw attention to her legs in that long orange number...her thighs aren't even touching...this girl is not fat.  I'm not mad at her...I am mad that I wasn't in Italy with her though...

I have a feeling that Melissa Etheridge is a bitch.  A serious one too.  That, or she, like a lot of woman I know, is making poor relationship choices.  She is giving her "ex-wife" $2000 a month for her and the twins.  Are you fricking kidding me?  I couldn't survive on that either!  We're in a recession Melissa...Tammy is going to have to go back to work...daycare is expensive...are those kids pottytrained...I hope so...diapers ain't cheap and you are those babies mama, I mean daddy...I mean babymama...I mean babydaddy...er uh Provider?  Support?  Who knows?  Who is their daddy?  Who is their mommy?  This story confuses me...I'm changing the subject.

Shut up Celine Dion. 

Look on page 32.  Woody Harrelson is Serena Williams' token white friend.  Hilarious.  How do I get invited to these parties?  Seriously.

STAR, I didn't bother to waste my money on you this week.  On the cover you show all of Hollywoods A-listers without make-up.  If I wanted to see a hot bitch with no make-up on...I'd look in the morror.

I did however, purchase this weeks US WEEKLY.  Why?  Angelina and Jen are on the cover...again.  The shocking new book that is going to tell us how Angie stole Brad.  Don't bother buying this piece of crap...I'm going to tell you how she stole Brad from Jen...
She can suck a pancake through a screen door...that's how.  Look at those lips.  Now look at Jen's.  Poor Jen.  I love you honey, but you are vanilla ice cream and Angelina is 31 Flavors.

Bristol Palin, listen to me very carefully...Shut up.  Stop talking.  You're 19.  Your baby is super cute though...

Now for the ripest, juiciest peach on the tree.  Please turn your attention to page 6...
C O U R T N E Y   L O V E.  Holy shit girl.  Lindsay Lohan...take a good hard look, my friend.  You are heading down this road.    If I had to stand next to Courtney in a "Who Wore It Best" competition...I'd burn that frickin' blazer.  Wow.

Flip the page...I'm not talking about Kate.  She sucks.

Oo la la...I do find the Bridget vs. Gisele fuel interesting though.  At the monent I have nothing to ill to say about either of them.  BUT...but if Gisele keeps on talking smack about how see was wearing her size 2's until she delivered that cute baby, I might have to fight her.  She is on thin ice with me. 

Inside Ali's Decision.  What decision...who not to marry in the end?  If you want to read about the Bachelor/Bachelorette, read RealitySteve.com.  These people bore me.  And...she isn't going to age well.

Bret Michaels kids saved his life.  Bret, I'm glad you didn't die.  Really.  I'm happy about it.  But seriously, I was banking on you dying of and untreatable STD.  Did you see those skanks he was on the Rock of Love Bus with?  O*M*G.  Kristi better invest in a HazMat suit before she goes anywhere near him.  Yuck. 

Maybe someone from Jersey Shore will die in a horrible tanning bed accident.  This will give me something to write about next week...

People * Star * Us Weekly

On the cover of this week’s PEOPLE magazine, we are blessed with yet another image of our American darling, Sandra Bullock. At this point, I still love her, but she is turning into that annoying boyfriend that tells you he loves you too much. I feel like telling her, "okay, we get it, you're great, and he sucks." She is not the first woman in our fair nation that picked a LiarCheater for a husband. There a lot of us out there and we survived without the comfy cushioning of all that money stashed under our mattresses. Here is my analogy: the details of their divorce are going to be as disappointing as when you are stuck in a traffic jam due to an accident ahead, then you finally make it up to the accident sight and there isn’t a dead body lying in the street because they’ve already cleaned up the mess. That’s us, staring at the bloody aftermath, wondering what happened and then 5 minutes later, not caring. She got a super cute baby out of the deal, let’s move on...


"Mel Gibson's split from Oksana Grigorieva (who?) gets ugly"...umm...not any uglier than Oksana herself. Really Mel? Were you still drinking when you made that decision? You bore me. Unless you are going to knock-up one of my friends, I'll continue to fan the pages until someone more interesting comes along.


Prince Harry...thank goodness for you, you little darling illegitimate child of THE Princess. We love you Harry, and all of your Major Hewitt-looking hotness. There would be nothing about your country that Americans would want to devour had it not been for you and your brother (who, by the way is not aging as gracefully as his baby brother), and for this...I salute you!


Kendra "Happy at Last" Wilkinson, shut up. Seriously, stop talking. We are all one bad decision away from the stripper pole at some point in our lives. The rest of us were all smart enough to make the right decision, you were not. Motherhood does not save people, it only screws up more people! It makes me angry that they chose you to be the poster child for "How to make a coke snorting slut look like the next Paula Dean". Hey Food Network...I'm not watching her cooking show, just so you know.


The cover of STAR alone makes me angry. I want to poke Jake in the eye with one of Vienna's fake boobs. I want to wipe that stupid grin from his face with Kate Gosselin's newly flattened forehead. The only thing good about this issue starts on page 56. Even if the pictures of these celebrities are photoshopped, I don't care. Nicole looks like she just shot a scene for the Scarface sequel, Kate has a wedgie, Travolta looks little like a creepy neighbor trying to give your kid some candy and the best...Lady Gaga has a huge pimple on her ass...precious. Thank you, Oh Star magazine, for making me feel good about the cellulite that hangs out just below my buttocks. It's comforting to know that Rihanna and I have something in common.


Jessica's Desperate New Diet? What diet? SEEfood? Give us a break, US WEEKLY. What did she do? Go from a size 0 to a 4? Yea, she's a fat-ass. Let’s get our pitchforks and our torches and go burn the Ogre. Speaking of food...Hey Posh Spice, yea you...eat a frickin' cheeseburger already. It's not cute when your calf muscles are bigger than your thighs. If you need moral support, bring Tori...she could use a meal herself. As a matter of fact, come over on Friday. I'll pour you a nice glass of wine; cook a big bowl of pasta, maybe a couple of chicken breasts or turkey burgers because I'm sure you don't eat red meat. You can tell me all about how your mommy fucked you up and you have low self esteem because of her. I'll tell you how pretty you are and you'll go home to your hot husbands feeling like a million of your own dollars.

LiLo.  Pfft.  That's all I'm saying this week because I am going to go off on her and her mother next week...maybe her good-for-nothin' father too.  I'm tingly just thinking about it.

Grab your magazine and meet me back here next week.  See you then...