Lies Lies Lies Yeah!

Let me paint a picture for you, will you?  I'm sitting by the pool in Cancun, Mexico partaking in my favorite activity (sipping tropical drinks, sunning myself and fanning the pages of an inTouch Weekly) when Sccrrreeeeeecch...(the needle on the record) hold on a minute!  What is this I see?  What the hell did you just say, you liar?  Did you just try to tell me that Tim & Faith are having problems?  That "He makes movies while she watches the kids", that "His drinking was a problem", that "They never let anyone know they had issues".  LIAR!  They probably never let anyone know they had issues, because there aren't any!  I actually tore the page out of this crappy magazine and scanned it  because I couldn't find it anywhere on the web, to prove my point.  Uh, inTouch Weekly...take a closer look at the right hand side of your "proof"...there seems to be a shadow of what may look to me like one Tim McGraw!  Shocking, I know.  Apparently his career is not coming first he just lets Faith walk first.  And another thing, she isn't "watching the kids", we mom's like to call that PARENTING.  
All the gals around the pool got a good chuckle out of it and moved on to other very important subjects like, whether or not Jennifer Aniston has had work done.  I on the other hand was inspired by my friend Bettina to call these tabloids out on their bull-shit!  So, here we go...

UsWeekly has Miley and Billy Ray Cyrus on the cover.  Please don't make me dive deeper into the lies that are being spread about this family, I simply don't care.  She is turning into Mary-Kate and/or Ashley.  With more money than G*d, they can buy a little corner of Nashville and sort it all out without any of us watching them.  Her mom can fuck the crap out of Bret Michaels (lie) without any of us being jealous!  I know most parents joke about having a talented child as their "retirement fund" but it seems to me like they meant it.  Then is seems like they stopped parenting her somewhere along the way.  Let's just say the first thing that comes to mind is "you reap what you sow".

I can tell you one thing for sure...the story about Christina being a drunk is true.  I have a friend who was at a party with her, it's all true.  She's a hot mess and I love 2-degrees of separation.

Now come on.  Do they really want us to believe this Rihanna and Ryan story?  I oughta punch someone in the nose for even suggesting this was going on.  He is a total piece of divorced white toast that hasn't done anything to his "career" since Crash.   Can you indulge me for a minute and let me quote some of the bull-shit they had the nerve to try and feed us in this article.  "There was no PDA" "Clearly they're keeping it on the down-low"...yeah, like so low that it's not happening?  Nice try liar.  Who writes this shit, Perez Hilton?

  

Oh wait...here's that whore Rihanna again...now she is try to get it on with a child. This picture is actually in the magazine with a caption that says "Flirt Alert!"  Are you fucking kidding me liar?  I saw his movie, there is nothing she wants from Justin Bieber other than his autograph for her niece!  He's saying to her "Hey Ri, look at this video of me on youtube, funny right?" 

Did you know that "Sandra Bullock's heart is breaking all over again as Jesse sells her out and exposes her secrets in a new tell-all book?"  Whew, liar, thank goodness we have you to speculate what will be on the inside of that book.  I'm sure he won't talk about his childhood or how he was raised or how he's planning on raising his kids or the years he walked this earth BEFORE he married America's sweet-heart.  Yep, there isn't anything else to write about, I'm sure.  So I'll run to the book store the day it's released and spend my $$$ to read a rag that a liar cheater wrote...oh wait...don't I already do that every week?

Poor Oprah.  I don't know who this Reginald person is, but I fear for his life.  How dare he tell all those lies about Oprah and Stedman!  Did you know that after Oprah dumped him, he went on to star in several soft core porn films?  That makes him a reliable source to me.  He doesn't sound like the type of guy to be lookin' to make a buck off of the back of Ms. Winfrey, does he?  I mean anyone who would do porn isn't looking to be famous, are they?  He says that at the time of their affair, he "looked like Billy Dee Williams and they took candlelit baths together."  (Why can't I get the vision of that hot guy in the Old Spice commercials out of my head?)  Reginald, I wish you would have called me darling, I would have given you some great advice.  Oprah's long-lost-sister still trumps a lame story about how you once sexed up Oprah.  We think of her as our big sister and no one wants to think about their big sister doin' it with the Old Spice guy, ya know what I mean?  Now I'm not sayin' you're a liar, I'm just sayin' you're lame-o.

I don't have the heart to pick on People this week.  They are on The Royal Wedding Watch with me so I'm not going to tear into them for being liars.  I am going to believe every last drop of what they write!  When Diana married Charles, I was thirteen years old.  My mom got us up at the ass-crack of dawn to watch Diana walk down the aisle.  We watched it over and over all day long.  I was completely fascinated by the fact that princesses are real.  I'm actually thinking about letting my daughter stay home from school that day so she can have the same experience.  I'll never forget it.  Diana never let us down.  She always looked and acted like a princess and I cried the day she died.  My hope is that William will be good to Kate.  That he has learned from his mother and will not jeopardize Kate in the same way.  I love them already and am seriously thinking a party with cucumber sandwiches and tea is in order for April the 29th, 2011!       

    

    

"I'm a very lazy, stay-at-home kind of girl." Jerry hall

Lazy indeed!  If you follow along with me daily on Facebook, you're probably not missing me.  If you are one of my 17 loyal followers here, I owe you an apology.  I've been a little lazy about my blog. 
Damn Facebook...the downfall of mankind.  It is so much easier to post links and comment on them then have the pressure of trying to keep you all laughing here.  I guess I'm just lazy.  Nonetheless...I'm here, you've missed me and were off to the races...

There has been so much to talk about.  I mean come on...talk about lazy...can anyone put forth the effort to keep their marriage together anymore.  "Fuck it!  Lets just get a divorce so I don't have to work on this crappy relationship anymore"  Is that how the conversation goes?  I wonder if our stars got paid as much to work out their problems as they do for a cameo on Glee, would they be more willing to "work"?  Hhmmm...I wonder.
Even though PEOPLE magazine has Kate Middleton on the cover this week, you know the inside is chalk full of those lazy asses filing for divorce or declaring a separation.  Look...up in the corner...they're trying to sneak in a blurb about Eva & Tony's "ugly split".  Who gives a shit?  He's not that cute and she's an elf.  Speaking of separation...did anyone else notice that David Arquette is totally out of control now?  Its like he has been uncaged.  Courteney let go of the leash and he's pissing all over the yard!

I cannot, I mean I really cannot wait for William and Kate's wedding.  Who wants to have a party?  Seriously...let me know.  All 17 of us can get together...we'll put on a fancy dresses that we stood up in a wedding wearing...we'll drink champagne...we'll cater in...it'll be so much fun!  We can talk about all the who's-who's that are invited.  Maybe someone will forward me an email (6-degree's of separation style) that will chronicle all of the days events just like when Chelsea Clinton got married...hold on...come to think of it...I do have an Aunt & Uncle that live 150 miles south of London...my Aunt must surely know someone who'd be invited to the wedding...I mean the whole county is about as big as the state of Illinois!  How hard could it be to press our proverbial noses against the glass?  Consider this an invitation and let me know so I can start working on the menu...

Now I'm not one to be hatin' on Jessica Simpson...but I think she needs to make up with her "stylist" BF.  The first thing that popped into my mind when I saw this picture of her was "fire-hydrant:"  Seriously, that was the first word that popped into my mind.  And if you know me then you'll now that's how I come up with my funny stuff...one word inspires me.  Lets talk frankly about her for a minute.  She does have some pretty outrageous curves...and she doesn't always dress age appropriate.  This get-up looks like she is going out to lunch with the ladies in her nursing home.  She was actually going to a dinner at the White House, but I'm not sure that the color or the ruffles are good for her.  Does she need a breast reduction?  



  

Now you just don't have any idea how much this picture pisses me off...

Lazy bitches.  There was a time when Ashley was trying to set herself apart from her sister , MaryKate...but now she is a lazy little bitch and taking on her sisters HORRIBLE style.  Who are they out looking for, Uncle Fester?  What the fuck is this?  Look at Ashley's handbag.  Did she get it at Salvation Army?  Can she not afford to have her dress hemmed to fit her petite frame.  Did they fight over who was going to wear the hair down, and then one said fuck it and gave in to the other one?  Was their mommy with them and does she still like it when they dress the same...I mean...they are twins and all...I think this is MaryKate's evil plot to confuse us into thinking that it was her sister that killed Heath Ledger!

What's that old saying...a picture is worth a thousand words...I only have two words. 

Wow, Chastity.

 

If I were SJP, I'd be super pissed about this photo.  There must have been two photographers because one eye is looking in a different direction and one boob is pointing in the opposite direction!  Matthew is whispering something out of the side of his mouth to Daniel Radcliffe...maybe something like "I'll get my wife liquored up and you can have your way with her while I take off with that hottie Emma Watson."  And what's up with the suit, Matthew?  Golfing later or just hanging with Jessica Simpson at the nursing home in your Sansabelt slacks?  Poor James Wilkie...why is he always James Wilkie?  Like Wilkie is his last name.  Could he just be James?  Only when SJP is mad at him should we hear his middle name, right?

There is so much stuff to pour over in this issue that I am exhausted and might need a nap before I move onto the INTOUCH magazine...I too am a lazy bitch...

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

On our way to Charlotte last week, I was standing in line at Starbucks, when my 11 year old daughter said to me "mom, can I get this magazine to read?"  I said "sure hon"...I turned around and she was holding up the IN TOUCH magazine with Kourtney Kardashian on the cover, "PREGNANT & ALONE".  I thought to myself "G*d, I love this child."  And then I thought... "oh shit, she's just like me."  If you know me personally, you'll know why I say that...my sass can be a bit much at times.  My Catholic guilt kicked in and then I actually felt bad for agreeing to buy the magazine for her.  I'm such a bad mom, right?  Now what to do...I decided to read it with her to filter any inappropriate content...I mean I had to do my homework for the blog anyway...right?

On the plane, we sat next to each other and fanned the pages.  We talked about:

*why we love The Kardashians
*who wore it better
*why Teen Moms SHOULD be broke
*how cute Kingston Rossdale is
*why Suri's closet is filled with designer duds
*who does Suri give those clothes to when she grows out of them, Goodwill?
*how Lourdes is not the "spitting image" of Madonna
*who did or didn't have a nose job
*who is Lucie Jones and why is she trying to break-up Rob & Kristen (very important to a Twi-Teen)
*what is Rihanna thinking with that red hair
*Dancing With The Stars recycles wardrobe outfits?  Awesome, who wore it better?
*We do not like the new fall hair trend, "the fade"

After about an hour of pretty good quality time with her, I didn't feel so bad about our purchase.  It opened up conversations about what's appropriate to wear, teen sex, make-up; less is more and random other topics that we don't normally discuss.  It turns out that the magazine wasn't that "inappropriate" for an 11 year old.  The whole thing was really about the children of our beloved stars, almost like a step up from a Teen Beat magazine...and you know that Teen Beat is really the onset of our addiction.
 

Enough about me and more about what has been happening lately...and holy crap has there been a ton to talk about, or what?  Of course PEOPLE did not let me down this week.  It has a big ole' picture of Courteney Cox on the cover with the tag line that reads "Why They Split."  In my opinion it should have read "They Finally Split"...isn't David Arquette the annoying boyfriend of our best friend that we've tolerated for 11 years because we love our friend Courteney so much?  This break up did not leave me scratching my head wondering "what happened?"...it was only a matter of time, no?  Thank goodness that she finally listened to us and got rid of him.  He admits to "infidelity and bad behavior?"  Again, didn't we kind of know that already...did he have to admit to it?  Now Court and Jen will be out and about in Hollywood...arm and arm...kicking ass and taking names...I can't wait...kinda makes me want to move to L.A.  I wonder if they are taking applications for new members to their single lady pussy posse...I have a couple of friends that would like to apply!

Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman are "Living Apart"...really...who the hell is he anyway?  I would highly recommend turning to page 85 and checking out the more recent photos of him...he's a fucking fat ass! 

Now Jordan...listen here honey...when your wife is an international singing sensation and former Mickey Mouse Club member...she hob-knobs with the likes of Briteny Spears and Justin Timberlake...you have to put down the cheeseburgers and pick up a tofu burger every once in awhile...I'm just sayin'...get on the treadmill...take the baby Max for a walk...your wife works hard on her body honey.  Lately your style has been sweats, and it seems that you might be boycotting personal hygiene...this picture is not cute...you're only separated...start taking care of yourself and I'll bet she starts taking care of you...if you know what I mean.  winkwink.

Fuck you, Gisele...

Do you guys even want to talk about Lisa Rinna's lip reduction?  I don't.  Know what we are gonna talk about though...Kody Brown and his four wives.  He is under police investigation after "opening his doors" for a reality show.  Uummm...Kody...you should have called me sweety...not for a date, but for some legal advise.  I would have told you not to do it.  I know the money is tempting, but see...even in Utah...polygamy is against the law...and law enforcement teams tend to be irritated by people who thumb their nose at the law...call me crazy...boy, I hope you took some of those dollar and invested in an attorney before your show started.

Now now now...plug your ears because I've been waiting to yell about this subject!  Look at the US WEEKLY!  Are you fucking kidding me?  Who the hell do they think they are fooling?  Us?  I think not!  Jennifer Grey "My Second Chance!"  No pumpkin...it's not...it's your THIRD chance...remember a little sitcom called  It's Like, You Know...oh no...you don't remember...I do, thankfully.  Let me take you back...circa 1999...you played a washed up actress by the name of Jennifer Grey...who couldn't get a job because of her bad nose job...the show was so bad that they didn't even air the last seven episodes that were filmed...which brings me to my next point...what about that nose...she has that fucking bump put back in, didn't she!

 

This week, STAR magazine is the winner...hands down!  There are so many lies stuffed into this tiny little 85 page magazine that is literally took me three days to pour over it and check my facts.  It's those lies that they tell that make this magazine mommy's favorite child.  I love it...lie lie lie.  Michael Douglas is freezing sperm...really?  Courteney has another man...really?  Tom and Katie...it's the end...really?  Oh my gosh...where's my $4.00 I must purchase! 

Oh...and by the way...Laura Dern and Ben Harper broke up this week too...but who gives a shit? 

EUPHORIA

Do you remember your first orgasm? 

I do, and that's what I felt like at the check-out line this week.  My toes were tingly, my head was spinning, my knees were shaking, my heart was pounding and I was short of breath.  I was euphoric.  Why, you ask?  Every single tabloid magazine had a genuine celebrity on the cover...every frickin' one!  I was so excited, I could have crapped enough nickels to pay for all 6 of them.  I stuck with my usual suspects, PEOPLE, US WEEKLY and STAR...but...but...the "others" had some pretty great stuff too.  Let's examine their covers for a second...Bliss.

Jen & John...I don't believe one second of this shit OK magazine.  They were photographed together because they are friends.  See...that's what happens when a mature woman breaks up with her infantile boyfriend...she is capable of having a friendship with him.  She was probably just consoling him because he needed to delete his Twitter account...

side note: no one cares about...
1.)  Any of the Teen Moms
2.)  Any of Kim Kardashian's ex-boyfriends, we only care about Kim
3.)  Any one that is still together from the Bachelor/Bachelorette unless they are actually getting married

There is no way, with heaven and hell working together to prevent it, that David Beckham doesn't cheat on Posh, IN TOUCH.  Seriously.  I just refuse to believe that it is with a "high-class call girl."  Why?  Because there is no such thing as a "high-class" call girl.  It's an oxymoron.  What makes her "high-class?"  Did she go to finishing school  and then found out that there isn't enough Prince Harry's to go around?  So she turned, out of dismay, to the streets?  I have 20 girlfriends, who are pretty righteous chicks, that would have a hard time saying NO to Mr. Beckham.  I have no doubt he is a cheater, but I don't believe this girl...

side note:  no one cares about...

1.)  Kourteney's douche-bag boyfriend, Scott, but we love her cute little baby

2.)  J-Lo on Idol.  Wtf?  (well maybe I kind of care about that)

3.)  Bristol Palin falls into the category of Teen Mom, therefore, I cannot care about her

"Shiloh Manipulated by her Mom?"  Really?  Uummm LIFE & STYLE, stupid-heads...of course she is.  Why?  Because she is fucking 4 years old!  It's not called manipulation, it's called parenting.  My nephew had some fancy red cowboy boots when he was 4.  He wore them everywhere and with everything.  Want to know why?  Because he was 4 and my sister didn't stifle his imagination or creativity.  I went over there one day and he had his camouflage pants tucked into them with a towel draped over his shoulders, pinned to his pajama top, jumping from one couch to the other...I looked at my sister and she just shrugged her shoulders..."whatever...he's 4."  Again...Angie and Brad have 6 kids.  If Shiloh want to dress like a boy to be more like her older brothers, than let her.  This child couldn't be any cuter.  Leave her alone or else I'm firing up the jet...and you know what that means...someone is getting a beating!

PEOPLE...I don't even know what to say.  Is it true?  G*d, I hope not.  Not because I am especially fond of Demi or Ashton, but because I'm almost tired of hearing about all the cheating.  Why can't they just keep it zipped?  Once everyone warmed up to the idea that he was in love with her in spite of her age, we relished in their relationship...celebrated it.  Their relationship was the dawn of the "cougar."  She empowered a whole world of women to say "fuck it...if my ex-husband can date a 22 year old, so can I."  I'll be sad if it's true, being is cougar will become pass'e.  I swear to G*d, I've always thought that if he was going to cheat, he was going to pull a Woody Allen and cheat with Rumer. 

Oh yeah...Jennifer Grey, what "comeback?"  Dancing with the Stars?  The 80's called...they wanna give you your nose back. 

Kelly Preston...we are rooting for you honey!  Cook us up a cute little Travolta baby...we can't wait...when is the shower?  Where are you registered...we want to send you a gift!

STAR magazine has confirmed that Ashton cheated on it's cover...where PEOPLE only accused him of it. One of my followers on Facebook, made a very good point...if you want us to believe you screwed Ashton on the couch in his living room...then describe the living room to us, Brittney Jones. Just because I hate her, we're going to call her Bridget Jones because she kept a diary of Ashton's texts...AND...AND...coming from him they sound like this...

"No can do"

"I'm w/ my daughter"
"I really can't talk anymore"
"I don't think I should be talking to any girl that's not my wife"

Shut up, STAR...he did not cheat on Demi! You're such a stupid liar! Here is what happened...Ashton was getting his ego stroked, not his cock. Do he and Demi need to sit down and rekindle the love flames? Probably. He didn't cheat on her...I know it. Besides...did you see Bridget Jones...she looks like an alien...her eyes are really far apart...he could never look her in both eyes...he would need to get his twin brother over (yes, he has one) to look into her left eye whilst her was looking into her right eye!

Bristol Palin did not have a "boob job." She was pregnant when this photo was taken and her breasts were filled with milk. Stupid-head.

"Glee's Dirty Little Secrets?" Even if the whole cast has them...we don't care because the show is so great that dirty little secrets will only make us love them even more. It would break our hearts if you reported that they were boring in real life. Stupid-head.

US WEEKLY, what is wrong with you?  Michael Douglas may be dying, Ashton may be cheating on Demi, Jen may be getting back with John, there are a million of Hollywood's elite knocked -up...and you want to make a story out of Kelly Osbourne's weight struggles?  Your editor should be fired.  You know what would have sold magazines this week US WEEKLY?  If you would have slathered the mug shots of everyone who's been arrested in the last week.  I should be running the show over there.  Do you have any idea what we want?  "1 year and still losing"...pfft...get back to us then, when she is done....and it's a slow news week.  Fuck. 

How dare you put a little blurb about Brad Womack wanting another stab at the Bachelorettes (literally) on the cover?  Fuck you Brad Womack, fuck you.  Fuck fucking you, you fucking fuck.  Get an agent who will put you on the next Celebrity Apprentice.  We don't want to see you making out with everyone again...you or your stupid abs!

Jessica Simpson needs her roots touched up.

Lindsay Lohan...I have no more words.  You are dead to me...you and Kate Gosselin.

All of these magazines are promoting a new show called The Sister Wives on TLC.  It's about a polygamist family, one husband and his 3 wives...who are sisters!  Again...I think I may have an orgasm...(in my most evil voice, I say to you) "I can't wait to get to know them..."  He already looks like he got his Hollywood make-over...time for the wives?  Or did they already get theirs too?  Hhmmm...

You've lost that lovin' feelin', Elin?

I feel like Elin on the cover of PEOPLE this week deserves an entry in the blog all to her.  She's earned it, no?  In talking about this issue with friends, we discussed the idea that she should have told her story to a more "respectable" magazine...Vanity Fair, Time, Life...even Ladies Home Journal.  But after some thought...why?  After what he did to her, it's appropriate that she talk to a tabloid.  Fuck him.

In order to slip back into "The Temptation of Tiger Woods", I re-read my May 2010 issue of Vanity Fair...the one that has Grace Kelly on the cover but if you turn to page 156 it has a full 14 page spread dedicated to him and his whores.  There is so much detail and so many women that they actually needed to make it a II part series in Vanity Fair.
 
Tiger, there is no way your wife was staying with you honey.  Sorry. 

Most of these women threw Tiger so far under the bus that it didn't even resemble one of those funny cartoons where the guy gets hit by a car and his little feet are the only thing left sticking out...they threw Tiger, feet and all, under the bus.  I would love to lay out the details for you but it would be too much for me to comment on, there were so many women...so I'll just comment on the one that really annoyed me the most.  Vanity Fair knew that her story was the raunchiest so they put her story first to keep our interest...after her, the article sounds like this...

"I met Tiger in a club and I fucked him"

The hostess, Mindy Lawton (who is NOT cute, at all) tells us that the only thing he ever bought her was a Subway sub.  Yes, hostess at IHOP, you were in love with him and thought you were in a relationship with him.  He made you yank your tampon out in a church parking lot so he could screw you in his car before he went to the "office."  That sounds like love to me.  How tender.  She justifies having an affair with him because she would see Tiger and Elin having breakfast at the diner where she worked.  They weren't groping each other so she assumed he was unhappily married.  I know I can't wait to get up in the morning and fondle my husband at the breakfast table.  Isn't everyone like that? 

Let's get back to Elin, shall we?  At first I was excited to read this issue because I thought that she would give us all some profound reason why he did what he did...juicy details of how she beat the crap out of him with a golf club...intimate details of how their marriage was so loveless that it forced him to go outside of the comforts of home for love and affection.

No such luck. 

As I was reading I was pissed...it's not a skanky article about Tiger...then my anger turned on her.  I thought "Where was her woman's intuition?"  "She is probably a money grubber too!"  "Why did she end the article by saying she is happy to be an American?"  My emotions ran the gamut...then I had a little talk with myself and settled on this...it's a lovely article about ELIN. 

That's right, Tiger...an article about Elin...and NOT how she met/fucked you in a club when you were out with Jordan and Barkley. 

She wants us to know how she felt, how she feels now, how she grew up, how she met Tiger, how she is going to raise her children...I thought it was inspiring.  She wants to set the record straight about NOT hitting Tiger.  She claims she never hit him, with a golf club or otherwise.  I believe her.  I believe one of those filthy money hounds who fuck for coke, jewelry and Gucci bags beat the crap out of him.  She claims she was oblivious.  How sad...we usually are, aren't we?  I can't even muster up any sarcasm because my heart really goes out to her...her and Sandra ...they were publicly humiliated because their well endowed husbands needed constant stroking...so the wife suffered.  Their families.  Their friends.  It makes me think...how easy it is to just say no.  "No.  Sorry, I'm married.  But I'm flattered, thanks."  

Thanks for sharing your story with us, Elin.  I can't wait to see paparazzi photos of you in about a year with your tongue in George Clooney's ear!   

Back to business, show business.

(Sigh)  Oh PEOPLE magazine...how do I love thee...let me count the ways.  I'm so sorry that we've been fighting lately, and I'm happy to be back together.  Please don't ever put The Duggar's and their 19 children on the cover again...especially after producing a coupla mediocre issues and I won't have to cheat on you ever again.  I promise.  Look what you made me do while we were on our break!  But oh how you've redeemed yourself to me.  You put Sandra and her "fresh start" on the cover and tagged it with a story about Jesse and Kat.  Thank you honey.  I love it.

 

Oh, and PEOPLE, thanks for NOT putting Hilary Duff OR her horse teeth OR her new teeth OR the news of her horse-drawn-carriage style wedding on the cover...I noticed.

Let's talk for a minute about Jesse and Kat, shall we?  I'm a little befuddled...I don't know what to think.  She kind of irritates me, but I might like the two of them together.  They both need to bathe and that's sexy...so lets see if the lack of personal hygiene makes for a strong foundation.  Unfortunately, my woman's intuition is telling me that she is smart (in spite of the tats on her face) and is not going to get involved with him...remember Kat...he's kind of a train-wreck and needs lots of hugs. 

Alec Baldwin...please honey...put down the cheeseburgers.  There was a time where every woman in America wanted to jam her tongue into your mouth...but now...you'd have to buy us a coupla drinks first.  It's not sexy.

"The Lohans Living in denial"...are you fucking kidding me?  This is news?  That is your tag line for this story?  Dina says that her daughters condition is "blown out of proportion"?  Someone fire up my invisible jet, please.  I'm flying to West Hollywood, calling TMZ to meet me over there, and THEN beating the shit out of Dina Lohan!  I'm serious.  I wold have more respect for Matt Lauer if he did it, but he's a puss...someone please handle this situation...why is it that the only person asking "astute" questions was Lindsay's 16 year old sister, Ali.  And why didn't someone tell her not to write "fuck you" on her finger nails and then hold those finger nails up to her mouth when the judge was talking.  She has problems.  Big ones.  I see an exit ala Anna Nicole Smith style coming soon...

                                                                                                                      

  

No, STAR magazine...Angie is not "bored with Brad!"  She is not "so over him!"  He is "fun in bed!" and, she does not "call him stupid behind his back!"  Shut up, STAR...you're a liar!  They have six frickin' kids.  I only have three kids and want to punch my husband in the face sometimes but that doesn't mean I call him names behind his back.  You spin your evil web of lies STAR...like...John & Jen are not getting back together.  She doesn't feel "bonded" to him when she wears the gold Rolex he gave her...its a fucking Rolex watch!  Of course she wears it.  She needs to know what time it is...its not an engagement ring for fuck sake!

Madonna turns 52...and what...starts hanging out with her 14 year old daughter?  Who, by the way has way too much make-up on for a girl her age AND apparently raided her moms closet again to go out on the town...check out Lourdes' outfit...and Madonnas plastic surgery...

Staggering.  

Who the hell is Snooki?  What the hell is a Snooki?  And why the hell is her fat little bump-it ass all over our beloved magazines.  Whoever you are, Snooki, go fly a kite...I dislike you.

US WEEKLY put a coupla "teen moms" on the cover of this magazine.  Slow news week, huh US? How pissed do you think they are that the news of Tiger and Elin's divorce broke the minute they were done printing this good-for-nothing piece of trash?  Elin is "picking up the pieces"...I find this statement amusing.  How exactly is she doing that?  To pick up the piece of what he did to her, she is going to have to take a  chunk out of that $75 million settlement and buy the biggest frickin' bull-dozer ever made!  I can't wait til next week...they will be splattered all over the cover of every tabloid in America again.  I can almost hear the proverbial SPLAT.  Jesse has to be sighing a little relief right about now...huh?

Kourtney Kardashian is quoted saying "I'm such a bitch when I'm hungry.  Like, stone-cold beeyatch."  Uummm...Kourtney...I have a feeling that you might be a stone-cold beeyatch all the time, not just when hunger strikes.  I'm trying to stay in love with you Kardashian girls but if you don't stop saying things like this, I'm going to unleash on you.  I'm also trying to stay away from you and your sisters...mostly because I'm afraid of Khloe (and that's a lot for a southside girl to admit), but because I love you so much...all of you!  I do, however, have some choice words for you three about the two little up-and-comers and I don't care if Khloe gets on her jet and comes to Chicago and kicks my ass.  Please look at the picture below...the one on the right...that's Kendall...she'll be 15 in Novenber...and the one on the left...that's Kylie...she just turned 13 two weeks ago.  Holy shit.  I mean H-O-L-Y S-H-I-T. I don't know whether to take back all the smack I've been talking about Lourdes or hold my breath and wait for these two to be introduced to her...ooooo...I'm getting excited just thinking about the hell that Lourdes, Kendall and Kylie are going to raise together!  G*d, help us.  Hold on to those rosaries, Madonna...you're going to need them sister.  

In case you're wondering...

Kelly Preston is still pregnant.

Jessica Alba got out of a speeding ticket because she's pretty (no shit).

Doogie Howser is going to be a daddy...him and his man.

Judge a book by it's cover, please!

So as I'm standing in the check-out line, I pick up a coupla (that's southside for a couple of) magazines and start thumbing through. The cover of PEOPLE has Chelsea Clinton's wedding and I was like "for fuck sake! Not another wedding!" And this one doesn't even peak my interest enough to buy the magazine. I'm sure Chelsea is a really nice person, but I have no connection to her emotionally, mostly because I've always felt bad for her chin.  Amy Carter and I were the same age, she was in the white house when I was growing up so I had a little facination with her, but Chelsea always seemed a little...uummm...shall we say...boring to me.  (see notes added 8.10.10)
I can’t even find a STAR in the rack, and the US WEEKLY had that stupid Jen/Angelina story. So... (if you knew me, you would know that "so" sounded more like "Sssoooo") I started picking up magazines that I don't normally buy. One in particular caught my eye...MARIE CLAIRE...on the cover is Mary-Kate Olsen. In quotes is this little ditty...

"I would never wish my upbringing on anyone…"

What?  What the hell did you just say?  If that skinny little, hobo looking bitch would have been in line in front of me, paying for her kids’ school supplies like everyone else was, I would have punched the back of her head.  Seriously...I think I am going to write them a letter...I'm spittin' nails mad.  No, Mary-Kate, you would not have wished MY upbringing on anyone. YOU, Mary-Kate, are so out of touch that you have never known what it was like to go to school without new supplies. Therefore, Mary-Kate, you should probably shut the fuck up. You and your sister. I'm sure your life is so rough. It's not like you perpetuate any of what you have to deal with, right? Oh yes, Mary-Kate...we can all identify with you and open our hearts to you and your family. Get on your little jet and fly to Chicago. I'll have all of my GF's here and we'll throw you and your sister a little pity party. How about Saturday night?  As soon as you get here, I am going to shove a cheeseburger in your mouth.  Not only to shut you up, but because you also need to eat!  Oh, and another thing...we're still mad at you for killing Heath Ledger. 

Did you see Britney Spears on the cover of COSMOPOLITAN? What is it that looks so funky? That question is not rhetorical. What is it? I want to know. I can't quite put my finger on it...but she looks...dare I say...old. Does she need a tan? Does she need her extensions replaced? Are her clothes out of style? Is she too old to be wearing this? Dude, she looks like shit.

J-Lo on the cover of GLAMOUR, I'm not mad. She looks great. No talent fly-girl, but very photogenic.

Look at Miley Cyrus on the cover of ELLE, looking all busty! I can't wait until she is on the cover of Marie Claire saying things like "I would never wish my upbringing on anyone."

MAXIM's cover featuring LiLo. I know this is a guy’s magazine, but I couldn't help picking it up and wondering..."who is this pretty girl?" Holy crap, it's Lindsay! She looks great. Apparently someone got out the soap and a washcloth. This proves my point...if she cleaned herself up, she could be Drew. She could get herself a coupla kickboxing lessons and audition for a role in Charlie’s Angels 3...or 4...I wouldn't even mind if they replaced Lucy Liu with her. Quick...someone call Lindsay’s agent!

Speaking of agents…I think I’m going to need one soon.

NOTES REGARDING CHELSEA CLINTON'S WEDDING!:
One of my favorite things to say is "it's 6 degrees of separation, unless you're from the southside...then its 2."

*  My BF's mother has a friend of a friend who was at Chelsea Clinton's wedding.  There are details here that you will not find anywhere else.  Names have been changed to protect my sources.  Doesn't it feel good to kinda sorta know someone on the inside?

"Although we we weren't allowed a camera at the wedding or any events - here is my attempt at giving the full rundown.

Astor Courts - Built between 1902-1904 and originally used as a sporting pavilion with guest bedrooms, it houses the 1st indoor swimming pool in the US, and a huge indoor Tennis Court. To get there you have to go through this long winding road, and the grounds are truly breathtaking on the Hudson. Upon arrival we had a quick glass of water, and then went to the ceremony.

Ceremony - It was all outside and the weather was great. They had yarmulkes for men, and fans for everyone in case it got hot. The chuppah was the most amazing one I have ever seen, and it was constructed out of willow branches and decorated with white roses and hydrangeas. It was shaped like a dome, almost like a pavilion and it was lit up at night so we could see it in the evening. Chelsea told me later that she was inspired by our chuppah! The Ceremony was very jewish, about 80%. The rabbi did most of the talking and they had a nice Ketubah on display, and they had a Sheva Brachot whereby the Rabbi read each one and they had a reader repeat in English. At the end when Marc broke the glass, the Rabbi told us that they would use the broken pieces and put them back together to make a mezuzah for their apartment. I really liked that idea, and when I spoke with Chelsea she told me it was her idea, and she researched it and they bought it at the Jewish Museum. Clearly a lot of thought had gone into the ceremony and it was really lovely right at sunset.

Dresses - As has been reported Chelsea was in Vera Wang, which she really looked lovely and it had a long train. I was really blown away by Hillary, who looked great. She wore a beautiful red dress with embroidered flowers and she was so attractive. Bill looked great and lost over 20 pounds for the wedding. Both of them were really beaming throughout the whole ceremony. The bridesmaids also wore Vera Wang in light purple (which is one of a kind, because they had white dresses dyed the right color). After the ceremony Chelsea changed into another white dress (Vera Wang again). Needless to say Vera was in attendance.

Flowers - I don't think there is a hydrangea left in the northeast. The main house was decorated in large bouquets of white hydrangeas/roses and over the fireplaces were long displays of white lilies (like they have in the George V in Paris, where they arc across the room). As I mentioned the flowers in the Chuppah were amazing as well. In the main reception area (Tented construction in the rear), the were a variety of arrangements but the tables had a minimum of 3-4 different arrangements - this time in purple/pink roses and hydrangeas again. I mean there were a minimum of 100/150 roses per table.

Reception - They set up a marquee in the back behind the tennis courts - and it was truly amazing. Chandeliers/air conditioning and a huge dance-floor. There were about 450 people but it didn't feel that big. The tables were mixed arrangements - some circles, a very long dais (where Chelsea/Marc/Bridal Party/Family were). The flowers were arranged mixed, some high, some low, with a variety of candle/water arrangements. The colour palette was soft lilac/white. We were seated at each table, with a personalized printed menu for each person (instead of a name card). Of course everyone was split up - so heather and I were apart from one another. It turns out that the parents of a couple at our table are very good friends with the Waldman's (the Berkowitz' of St Andrews) - Jewish geography (as they are not from Canada).

Band - The band was amazing and I think it was about 20/25 people with a full string section as well as a standard band. They could play anything and really led the crowd the entire night. The first dance was great and Marc and Chelsea did a pretty sexy tango style which was showed how much in love they were. Bill was crying when he danced with Chelsea. They did a hora, and yes, both Bill and Hillary were raised on the chairs and carried around the room. Hilarious.

Food: I thought it was good (and now I know that Chelsea is a Vegan, there were gluten free bread and the huge wedding cake was gluten free as well. Salad/Risotto/choice of Arctic Char, Angus Steak or Vegetarian/Desert/Cake. We didn't finish eating until 1am or so.

After Party - The band wrapped up at 1:30, and then we went into the Tennis Court which was converted into a lounge, with different flowers (this time red hydrangeas/roses everywhere) and a dance floor with couches etc. Then came the comfort food, grilled cheese with Truffle, seared tuna, red velvet cupcakes, mini burgers etc). They had a DJ playing, as well as someone playing the electric violin. It was really great fun, and we headed back on the buses at 3am, and got back to the hotel at 4am. We started the night at 4pm, so a long night.

Guests - The press had it all wrong, it wasn't a Hollywood event but more of a family a friend event. So the only "stars" were Mary Steenburgen and Ted Danson (who partied till 3am as well). Madeline Albright, Vernon Jordan and Terry Mcauliff. There were a lot of Washington people, but mostly it was family and friends which was great as it was very comfortable and we knew people.

Speeches - Hillary and Bill made the welcome speeches and both were excellent. Hillary welcomed everyone by saying "The press was saying - who is invited - well you are, everyone in this room has touched the lives of Chelsea and Marc either in the past or present and we hope you will be part of our lives going forward - we thank you for all that you have done for them both. Bill then said that he has been outnumbered in his house with Chelsea and Hillary and was looking forward to having an ally. The best men (brothers) made nice speeches and the matron of honor (Jewish girl) made a really heartfelt speech. The highlight was Marc's where he described the moment he went to ask for Chelsea's hand in marriage with Bill (and Hillary) which was funny and surreal. He also said that Chelsea embodied the finest qualities of both her parents and he thanked them for raising such a special person (Bill had tears at this point). Marc also said that as people have been there for them, he wanted to make it clear that he and Chelsea would always be there for everyone else - good times and bad. It was very touching and meant a lot to everyone in the room who knows them well. Chelsea's speech was also great (off the cuff) and she radiated when she spoke of her love for Marc and again for everyone in the room.

Whew, then we had the Brunch.

Location: The brunch (again hosted by Hillary and Bill) took place in this magnificent barn in Rhinebeck. We had to drive (ID checked again and again). and then a golf cart took us to the barn, which was just amazing. They had two 20 foot walls covered in Sunflowers and we sat a communal tables (it was informal) and had very good brunch food (again wheat/gluten free options). It was a beautiful morning and you could look out over this huge expanse of land and it was really special. Even though we were all tired, it was great. Hillary was out in force, being very Mother of the Bride and looking very summer cool. Bill showed up towards the later end of the Brunch, and Marc and Chelsea were both there (Chelsea again in a beautiful bright blue dress). We caught up with some more friends and Marc's family whom I know, and it was a great end to the weekend .

Highlights:

Hillary complimenting "Feather" (name changed) on her earrings, "Feather" getting 3 compliments on the dress - people thought she was European.

Madeline Albright dancing with Vera Wang, and hearing Hillary say to Madeline at the Brunch " You were one hot mama last night"

Bill and Hillary being lifted on chairs during the hora. Secret Service made sure there were plenty of men to do the carrying.

The grounds of Astor Courts lit up at night framing the marquee, pool area and the Chuppah under the stars

The relaxed elegance and beauty of the brunch - it was a special place.

Gift Bag - Last but not least they had a great gift bag (again with the same logo/writing as the invitations/save the date) - with wine, maps, sweets, pen, stationary, all local things sourced in Rhinebeck as a tribute to the Wedding.

...and that is all she wrote. "