Lies Lies Lies Yeah!

Let me paint a picture for you, will you?  I'm sitting by the pool in Cancun, Mexico partaking in my favorite activity (sipping tropical drinks, sunning myself and fanning the pages of an inTouch Weekly) when Sccrrreeeeeecch...(the needle on the record) hold on a minute!  What is this I see?  What the hell did you just say, you liar?  Did you just try to tell me that Tim & Faith are having problems?  That "He makes movies while she watches the kids", that "His drinking was a problem", that "They never let anyone know they had issues".  LIAR!  They probably never let anyone know they had issues, because there aren't any!  I actually tore the page out of this crappy magazine and scanned it  because I couldn't find it anywhere on the web, to prove my point.  Uh, inTouch Weekly...take a closer look at the right hand side of your "proof"...there seems to be a shadow of what may look to me like one Tim McGraw!  Shocking, I know.  Apparently his career is not coming first he just lets Faith walk first.  And another thing, she isn't "watching the kids", we mom's like to call that PARENTING.  
All the gals around the pool got a good chuckle out of it and moved on to other very important subjects like, whether or not Jennifer Aniston has had work done.  I on the other hand was inspired by my friend Bettina to call these tabloids out on their bull-shit!  So, here we go...

UsWeekly has Miley and Billy Ray Cyrus on the cover.  Please don't make me dive deeper into the lies that are being spread about this family, I simply don't care.  She is turning into Mary-Kate and/or Ashley.  With more money than G*d, they can buy a little corner of Nashville and sort it all out without any of us watching them.  Her mom can fuck the crap out of Bret Michaels (lie) without any of us being jealous!  I know most parents joke about having a talented child as their "retirement fund" but it seems to me like they meant it.  Then is seems like they stopped parenting her somewhere along the way.  Let's just say the first thing that comes to mind is "you reap what you sow".

I can tell you one thing for sure...the story about Christina being a drunk is true.  I have a friend who was at a party with her, it's all true.  She's a hot mess and I love 2-degrees of separation.

Now come on.  Do they really want us to believe this Rihanna and Ryan story?  I oughta punch someone in the nose for even suggesting this was going on.  He is a total piece of divorced white toast that hasn't done anything to his "career" since Crash.   Can you indulge me for a minute and let me quote some of the bull-shit they had the nerve to try and feed us in this article.  "There was no PDA" "Clearly they're keeping it on the down-low"...yeah, like so low that it's not happening?  Nice try liar.  Who writes this shit, Perez Hilton?

  

Oh wait...here's that whore Rihanna again...now she is try to get it on with a child. This picture is actually in the magazine with a caption that says "Flirt Alert!"  Are you fucking kidding me liar?  I saw his movie, there is nothing she wants from Justin Bieber other than his autograph for her niece!  He's saying to her "Hey Ri, look at this video of me on youtube, funny right?" 

Did you know that "Sandra Bullock's heart is breaking all over again as Jesse sells her out and exposes her secrets in a new tell-all book?"  Whew, liar, thank goodness we have you to speculate what will be on the inside of that book.  I'm sure he won't talk about his childhood or how he was raised or how he's planning on raising his kids or the years he walked this earth BEFORE he married America's sweet-heart.  Yep, there isn't anything else to write about, I'm sure.  So I'll run to the book store the day it's released and spend my $$$ to read a rag that a liar cheater wrote...oh wait...don't I already do that every week?

Poor Oprah.  I don't know who this Reginald person is, but I fear for his life.  How dare he tell all those lies about Oprah and Stedman!  Did you know that after Oprah dumped him, he went on to star in several soft core porn films?  That makes him a reliable source to me.  He doesn't sound like the type of guy to be lookin' to make a buck off of the back of Ms. Winfrey, does he?  I mean anyone who would do porn isn't looking to be famous, are they?  He says that at the time of their affair, he "looked like Billy Dee Williams and they took candlelit baths together."  (Why can't I get the vision of that hot guy in the Old Spice commercials out of my head?)  Reginald, I wish you would have called me darling, I would have given you some great advice.  Oprah's long-lost-sister still trumps a lame story about how you once sexed up Oprah.  We think of her as our big sister and no one wants to think about their big sister doin' it with the Old Spice guy, ya know what I mean?  Now I'm not sayin' you're a liar, I'm just sayin' you're lame-o.

I don't have the heart to pick on People this week.  They are on The Royal Wedding Watch with me so I'm not going to tear into them for being liars.  I am going to believe every last drop of what they write!  When Diana married Charles, I was thirteen years old.  My mom got us up at the ass-crack of dawn to watch Diana walk down the aisle.  We watched it over and over all day long.  I was completely fascinated by the fact that princesses are real.  I'm actually thinking about letting my daughter stay home from school that day so she can have the same experience.  I'll never forget it.  Diana never let us down.  She always looked and acted like a princess and I cried the day she died.  My hope is that William will be good to Kate.  That he has learned from his mother and will not jeopardize Kate in the same way.  I love them already and am seriously thinking a party with cucumber sandwiches and tea is in order for April the 29th, 2011!